I felt the feelings and thought the thoughts, and it lead me to contemplate how I have viewed dating in the past. Most importantly, I have realized how realized how much I have allowed myself to be disrespected, and how I will never, never ever, settle. Never again.
When I was about thirteen, I was the chubby homeschooler that just wanted to be normal. From all that I had witnessed on Disney Channel TV and in youth group and girl scouts, it was "normal" for girls to be dating at my age. It was normal for twelve year olds to be having their first kisses and for 8th graders to bounce from boyfriend to boyfriend every other week. And so, to conform to the name of normality, I wanted so horribly to have a boyfriend...or just a boy to notice me. Unfortunately, when you're an overweight 8th grader who doesn't go to public school and hasn't figured out makeup or clothes or hair or anything else, that's much easier said than done.
Because I was
Little crushes came and went - the worst of all on a boy from church that I Facebook-messaged relentlessly, because my friend told me it would "get his attention"! I'm quite sure it did. It took me far, far too long to realize that he was ignoring me. Wow, go figure.
Finally, I found who I thought was the perfect guy - he had a good sense of humor, was smart and serious about his studies, had great career aspirations, admirable character, always looked out for his mother and sister, greatly cared about his family, was polite and kind and talkative, and - so I thought - treated me well. It lasted a while, then degenerated, then dissipated. Of course, since it ended, I've told myself that it was my own fault. I didn't see the signs and I was stupid for trusting him.
I've come to find that I only thought I loved him so much because I thought, this is as good as it will get. Before meeting him, I never believed that any boy would think I was pretty or care for me the way he did (or the way I thought he did.) I never believed that I was worthy of love, that it was possible for me to be loved -- I thought, this must be the boy God made for me, because it's impossible that there will be anyone else.
Truth be told, I wasn't treated well. He cancelled plans a lot, ditched me for his family (which, although should happen from time to time, should not have happened as often as it did), told me I was stupid and always acted smarter than me, pushed me into going farther physically than I wanted to (then blamed me and told his friends "all she ever wanted to do was make out!" after we broke up), failed to be there for me when I needed him most, and - above all - lied to me utterly, wholly, and completely for the duration of our entire relationship.
And of course, it was pinned on me! Me! "Do you know how much I love you? How much I want you to accept me for who I am?" yada yada yada, enabling enabling enabling, lies lies and B.S.
I'm pretty sure that relationship waded into the waters of emotional abuse, and I'm realizing that now.
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| Dr. McSteamy |
Luckily, things didn't get very far, but it did affect me. I thought, why can't boys just be nice?
Looking back on all of the instances that I was used, manipulated, strung-along, ignored, and came to believe that I was totally ugly, invaluable, and worthless in the eyes of the male sex - Why did I sit there and take it? Why wasn't I strong, why didn't I demand respect? Above all ... Why did I care?
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| Image credit: fueldabook.com |
I care because, as humans, we're delicate and desire to be loved - but we need to allow God to fill that hole, so that we know that He will give us the right person at the right time. Sadly, for the first few years of my adolescent and teen life, I neglected one of Solomon's most striking proverbs: "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." Proverbs 4:23
Only just recently have I come to realize that boys aren't all greedy, hormonal parasites. This realization has finally settled in my heart, thanks to some of my best friends, who are, in fact, male.
God has blessed me with good friends -- like my friend Christopher, whom I've known since Freshman year. We were sitting outside, chatting at a cookout once, when I said: "You know, sometimes I just feel like I need to do something scandalous. So that I feel like a regular person."
But he shook his head and assured me: "You really don't need to do that. Plenty of people like you just the way you are, you're cool."
When I went to the summer program, I met plenty of boys who just wanted to talk to me - not use me, not take advantage of me, not ignore me like some annoying pet or inanimate object - just talk and get to know me, to appreciate me as a person. One boy that I had hardly talked to brought me dessert, and then was willing to go and inquire if it contained any nuts after I had mentioned that I was allergic. He did this just out of the sake of being kind, and out of being a gentleman.
My friend Francis (HOLLAAAA SUCH SHOUTOUT WOW) who has the same name as the Pope, has further helped me to realize that not all guys are the enemy; he has threatened to beat up guys who treat me improperly, and encourages me to stand up for myself...and doesn't blackmail me with all the embarrassing selfies and childhood photos I've shared with him. Thanks, man.
If there are boys treat me properly in friendship, then there are boys who will treat me properly in a dating relationship, whether it come about suddenly, or blossoms from a friendship. (whoa, no pressure my bros.)
I'm not going to allow myself to be treated poorly anymore. I'm coming to realize that I don't deserve it; I deserve to be treated well, and so I will demand respect for myself. Most importantly, I need to remember that good things await; my past experiences do not define me. So long as I move forward, fill that hole in my heart with God and the friendships He has blessed me with, I will come to understand the true meaning of love, and from there, meet the right person for me...In God's time, not mine.
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| Image credit: newlife.id.au |
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