Timoris

When I was little, I was terrified of physical pain; terrified to the point of missing out on memorable experiences.  I was so scared of getting hurt that I didn't want to learn to ride a bike, I never got past level one of gymnastics, I never tried the monkey bars at the playground, and I never swung too high.  I never climbed up to high places.  Certainly, I was not a risk taker.

Since then, I've grown past my fear of getting hurt.  I climb up on a rickety bar stool that's as high as my waist to get things off the top shelf in my closet; my legs harbor multiple battle wounds from hiking and running around outside.  I've almost fallen into the fish pond (twice), I've scraped myself and given myself splinters from hopping over the fence.  Frankly, the term: "You might fall and break your arm!" Doesn't scare me anymore. Sure, I might fall, and I might break my arm. If that happens, it will hurt.

Obviously, it's necessary to assess risks by their magnitude and likelihood.  Being free of fear does not mean one should advocate risky behavior; however, being free of fear means embracing the risks one chooses to take, regardless of the possible consequences.

The reality of physical pain is one which I have had experience with; I have realized that the risks outweigh the consequences.  Many good times have been had hiking and playing sports, things which I would have never attempted several years ago, even though they have resulted in scrapes, twisted ankles, headaches and bruises. Although I am no longer afraid of scraping my knee or breaking a bone, my anxieties have manifested themselves in numerous other ways.

Somehow, emotional pain and physical pain share little in common; for they are both types of pain, they far from synonymous.  It seems that one lies at the surface, while the other radiates from within.  One is caused by something on the outside, while the other is caused by allowing something inside that tore you apart.

Physical pain can be caused by disease, parasites, viruses; emotional pain is caused by love.

Unlike my experiences with physical pain, my experiences with emotional pain have not yet healed so as to provide me with the insight to objectively assess my risks.  I have never taken a risk that was worth it.  The risks which I have taken have torn me apart.

Emotionally, spiritually, I have been manipulated.  In the naivety of youth, I have not guarded my heart, and have been used.  My affections were experimental, and my love was an object.  I have learned that whenever there is love, there will be loss; for all that we know is contingent.

When you love, whether you are loving a pet, a parent, a friend, or a spouse, you take a risk.  You risk the hurt, the pain, the feeling of your very insides collapsing in on themselves.  You risk your very being, your very existence crying out in agony at the loss.  Perhaps you will be hurt by them -- or worse, you will be maimed by the separation from them.  Not separation merely in body, but in death.

Worst of all is the separation in spirit.  When someone you love is self-destructing, when you watch as they rip apart their very soul.  Their heart is as broken as yours, if not even more so, but you know that it is not in your power to help them.  All you can do is pray, guide, and understand.  Understanding is the hardest.

So far, I've taken a lot of risks that weren't worth taking.  I've seen others hurt from their gambles, and I've seen the hearts and souls of those I love ripped apart.  I just don't see how love is a risk worth taking.

And yet...
My brother's laughter,
The chirping birds,
My grandma's slippers shuffling across the tile,
My grandfather humming,
The hugs from my friends,
The taste of chocolate chip cookies,
The sound of my father's car pulling in the driveway when he comes home from work
These are all things loved,
And since they are contingent, they will all pass away.
But they are things that I would never wish away.

In some cases, eliminating the effect means eliminating the cause; love is one of those cases. By wishing away the pain, you wish away the love.  Life without love is empty.

Take your risks, but take them wisely;
For the giggles of my brother are not mocking,
The song of the birds will not betray me,
My grandma has only care and affection,
My grandfather's wisdom has since passed on,
The hugs from my friends lift my spirits but do not invade my soul,
Chocolate chips have no ill will...


Though my knees are accustomed to bruising and my body has grown strong, my heart has not yet healed so as to be empowered by loss.  I hope that one day very soon, I will be able to believe that love is worthwhile.
I'm still assessing the risk.

"Above all else, guard your heart; for all that you do flows from it." 

Proverbs 4:23